Next To It

Someone is always there when I need to be alone. 

I shouldn’t be clinging to you, but I am. Because I have waited too long to have you. And even if the stars aren’t perfectly aligned, I am going to do whatever it takes to keep you. 


Why Do They Leave?

The crossroads. I needed a big break. This was supposed to be it. And now I’m standing in the middle of a field looking around, trying to find a way out. Stuck in this giant maze of twists and turns. I feel so tired. I just want something to go right, right now. Am I really tired though? I start to get settled and then I end up jumping off the path that is so clearly the right way to go. And I have to cause some drama or cause some excitement. Something to stir things up. That is the vicious cycle. I think, it’s time to slow down and settle down. I find contentment in my relationship and in my life. And then I get bored. And I have to run away. Is that bad? I think the biggest problem with that is all the people I hurt along the way. My family, my friends, my lovers.
Here you are. I can’t tell you if this is real or if this will be like every other time. But right now, I know this feeling, this desire. This is the kind that doesn’t go away. I will not let you screw this up. It’s time to face the music. You will not get rid of me that easily.
I want to whisper in your ear, ever so quietly, and tell you all the screaming thoughts in my mind. The thoughts that boom in my head and keep me up at night. The words that are sitting in the back of my throat and threaten to escape whenever I look at you.
I know what I’m good at. It isn’t math or science or music, or even writing. It’s support. I can be the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best lover, the best companion. I will push you towards your goals, even though I have no motivation for myself. I can give advice for days, but I am terrible at taking it. I can give you space when you need it, because I need it too. But I am not built for being alone.
You noticed something. Maybe other people see it too, but they never say anything. You looked me straight in the eye and talked about loneliness. You were right. But I think the solution is a different one than the obvious. I need to jump, right off that cliff crowded with people who I wish could quench that need. I need to fall right into that deep sea of me. Just me, day and night. I need to get my life straight. Because I want you to see me. I want you to look straight into my heart and love what you see.
And I don’t want to lose you. Will I ever be able to say that to you? I want to. I want to tell you that I will be there, tomorrow, next week, in six months, for as long as you want me there. Tell me before it’s too late. Before we lose each other forever.

Expect The Unexpected a.k.a. Prepare To Be Disappointed

I am an expectations victim. I am prone to living with my head in the clouds. I own two pairs of glasses: rose colored and an old pair I go back to every now and then that are stained with tears.

Going too in depth about a recent expectation gone wrong will just bring up old pain. So I’ll be brief.

We all know that wonderful feeling of falling in love, even if it’s all happening so fast. You just feel so good all the time. And it seems too good to be true. And that’s because it is. I mean, not always. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you end up falling in love with your soul mate. And the two of you stay together for the rest of your lives. Or maybe something happens that tears you apart, and after a time, you find each other again. But sometimes it doesn’t happen like that. Sometimes you are feeling so good about the relationship and then little things start happening that shouldn’t be happening. They seem like little things at the time. Because you want to ignore them and keep feeling good. The reality is though that those things are going to continue happening. And you know that you should turn around right this second and run. Run away from this bomb just waiting to drop right at your feet and blow your whole world upside down.
And then it does. You get that message, We need to talk. And the conversation is so void of emotion. It’s just this person, who you thought was walking right beside you down this path leading to a future together, this person and you on the telephone. This doesn’t even happen while you can look into each others’ eyes. There is no chance of begging for yet another chance. And you think, how cold. Why is it happening this way? But it’s for the best. Because you don’t need yet another chance. You never really screwed up in the first place. They just made you think you did. And after you’ve finished being sad that this thing you thought was so great has ended, you start to open your eyes.
There it is. The truth. It was sitting right in front of you the whole time. And then the sadness turns to anger. Because the truth was staring you straight in the eye. Challenging you. Testing you. You were fighting for the wrong thing the whole time. Because success was not in doing everything you could to make them see you, to love you, to accept you. Success would have been leaving that first time. Leaving the second you knew that something wasn’t right. Success would have been turning around and running as fast as you could in the other direction.
The sad truth is, he never loved you. Nothing he said was real. Oh, he’ll say it was. He’ll make you believe every word that comes out of his mouth. He’ll make you believe that you are the only one who has done any wrong in this short relationship. He’ll make you believe anything he wants you to.
Be strong. Don’t put either of those glasses on. You don’t need them.



I Cannot Keep This Quiet

All the right words, all the right moves. And all of them lies. 

You had me fooled for a little while there. I hope you read this. I hope to God you see this. Because now you will know why I left. 

You know that something in there is wrong. You must see that. Everyone cries, everyone falls to their knees, everyone begs. Almost everyone.

I cannot stop thinking about your breath in my ear, your hands on me, holding me to you. A gentle embrace becomes a death grip. You didn’t care if I left. You thought you did. But the only feelings you will ever feel are paranoia and anger. 

How could I fall for a lie? It was such a bittersweet one. I was floating carefree. And all the while, you were digging a neat little hole in the ground for me to fall into. 

I can’t sleep. I can’t focus on anything. I can’t stop crying. And I’m not crying because I’m immature. I’m crying because there is a pain in my heart that you will never understand. And you will never understand the love I started to feel when I was with you. 

I hope you figure out what it is that is wrong with you. I hope someone tells you. I know exactly what the problem is. But you probably wouldn’t believe me. You’d say that you are such a nice guy, that everyone thinks you’re such a nice guy.

I have a perfectly rational explanation for your illness.