Why Do They Leave?

The crossroads. I needed a big break. This was supposed to be it. And now I’m standing in the middle of a field looking around, trying to find a way out. Stuck in this giant maze of twists and turns. I feel so tired. I just want something to go right, right now. Am I really tired though? I start to get settled and then I end up jumping off the path that is so clearly the right way to go. And I have to cause some drama or cause some excitement. Something to stir things up. That is the vicious cycle. I think, it’s time to slow down and settle down. I find contentment in my relationship and in my life. And then I get bored. And I have to run away. Is that bad? I think the biggest problem with that is all the people I hurt along the way. My family, my friends, my lovers.
Here you are. I can’t tell you if this is real or if this will be like every other time. But right now, I know this feeling, this desire. This is the kind that doesn’t go away. I will not let you screw this up. It’s time to face the music. You will not get rid of me that easily.
I want to whisper in your ear, ever so quietly, and tell you all the screaming thoughts in my mind. The thoughts that boom in my head and keep me up at night. The words that are sitting in the back of my throat and threaten to escape whenever I look at you.
I know what I’m good at. It isn’t math or science or music, or even writing. It’s support. I can be the best girlfriend, the best wife, the best lover, the best companion. I will push you towards your goals, even though I have no motivation for myself. I can give advice for days, but I am terrible at taking it. I can give you space when you need it, because I need it too. But I am not built for being alone.
You noticed something. Maybe other people see it too, but they never say anything. You looked me straight in the eye and talked about loneliness. You were right. But I think the solution is a different one than the obvious. I need to jump, right off that cliff crowded with people who I wish could quench that need. I need to fall right into that deep sea of me. Just me, day and night. I need to get my life straight. Because I want you to see me. I want you to look straight into my heart and love what you see.
And I don’t want to lose you. Will I ever be able to say that to you? I want to. I want to tell you that I will be there, tomorrow, next week, in six months, for as long as you want me there. Tell me before it’s too late. Before we lose each other forever.


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