I keep trying to look back, way back in my past, desperately searching for the moment that would decide all of this. Was it something someone said? Was it something someone did? Was it something I said or did? Was it just one single event or a succession of them that would shape my heart and mind? I want to find it. I know I won’t be able to change it or make it go away. But I hope that it would help me understand. Because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know how to recover from all the damage I have done.