Then he kissed me gently on the lips and whispered softly in my ear, “You are the world’s pariah.”
Who am I? The letters say it all.
I am an expectations victim. I am prone to living with my head in the clouds. I own two pairs of glasses: rose colored and an old pair I go back to every now and then that are stained with tears.
Going too in depth about a recent expectation gone wrong will just bring up old pain. So I’ll be brief.
We all know that wonderful feeling of falling in love, even if it’s all happening so fast. You just feel so good all the time. And it seems too good to be true. And that’s because it is. I mean, not always. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you end up falling in love with your soul mate. And the two of you stay together for the rest of your lives. Or maybe something happens that tears you apart, and after a time, you find each other again. But sometimes it doesn’t happen like that. Sometimes you are feeling so good about the relationship and then little things start happening that shouldn’t be happening. They seem like little things at the time. Because you want to ignore them and keep feeling good. The reality is though that those things are going to continue happening. And you know that you should turn around right this second and run. Run away from this bomb just waiting to drop right at your feet and blow your whole world upside down.
And then it does. You get that message, We need to talk. And the conversation is so void of emotion. It’s just this person, who you thought was walking right beside you down this path leading to a future together, this person and you on the telephone. This doesn’t even happen while you can look into each others’ eyes. There is no chance of begging for yet another chance. And you think, how cold. Why is it happening this way? But it’s for the best. Because you don’t need yet another chance. You never really screwed up in the first place. They just made you think you did. And after you’ve finished being sad that this thing you thought was so great has ended, you start to open your eyes.
There it is. The truth. It was sitting right in front of you the whole time. And then the sadness turns to anger. Because the truth was staring you straight in the eye. Challenging you. Testing you. You were fighting for the wrong thing the whole time. Because success was not in doing everything you could to make them see you, to love you, to accept you. Success would have been leaving that first time. Leaving the second you knew that something wasn’t right. Success would have been turning around and running as fast as you could in the other direction.
The sad truth is, he never loved you. Nothing he said was real. Oh, he’ll say it was. He’ll make you believe every word that comes out of his mouth. He’ll make you believe that you are the only one who has done any wrong in this short relationship. He’ll make you believe anything he wants you to.
Be strong. Don’t put either of those glasses on. You don’t need them.
So, there’s this story I need to tell. Yes, need. Because it’s kind of like something out of a movie. At least, that’s how I see it all in my head and how I imagine it will all go down.
Let’s rewind a little. Circa December 2004.
I was living in Waikiki, Hawaii in an apartment my parents were renting for me while I was in college. I barely went though. I’d sign up for classes that didn’t start until the afternoon because I would sleep in so late. Not because of all the crazy partying I did. Nope, none of that happened. I was extremely introverted. And depressed. If I wasn’t in school, I was at home. So on one of these days home, I was wasting away the day on Yahoo Games. That was the thing back then. For a while at least. Billiards on Yahoo Games. And in the game you could chat with whoever you were playing against. The normal conversation starter was A/S/L? Age/Sex/Location? I’d normally keep to minimal conversation. And that’s what I thought would happen on this particular night of internet pool. Boy, was I wrong. The conversation with this guy started off kind of awkward and sexual. And I wasn’t into that. So I let him know, and he quickly apologized. Said he didn’t normally do that sort of thing. So we started talking about other things. We talked about everything. And then we decided to call each other. We stayed on the phone talking for about 4 hours. And so we talked the next day, and the day after that. It seems odd to say, it seems odd to imagine that it could actually happen, but we fell in love. We would have video chats every now and then. I’d have a short phone conversation with his moms and brother. And we made grand plans of running off together. Even though I lived in Hawaii and he lived in Iowa. Ah, young love.
So, I moved back home, and the grand plans crumbled and fell away. And we moved on. We somehow found each other again after some time. On the internet, of course. Always connected, but living our own separate lives. And it’s been almost a decade of talking to each other.
We have yet to meet. Face to face.
After all these years of talking about how it’s going to one day happen, it finally will.
Right now, I’m living in Germany as a military dependent. A story for another day. But I’ll be leaving very soon. And my first stop on my way back home is Iowa.
Sometimes when I sing, I feel like I am on top of the world.