This Doesn’t Hurt Anymore

I always have these thoughts during a drive. Staring out my window. Expecting someone to look over and ask what I’m thinking of. And there’s always something sad that has come on the radio. And it takes me back. Back to some far off memory. A different time. A different drive. With a different someone asking what I’m thinking of. I always seem to think of these things at the peak of something happy that has come into my life. Like I’m doubting myself. Reaching into those dark crevices of my mind that I’ve tried to cover with other happy things. I am so ready for that whole space to be filled with just happy things. For all the darkness to wither up and float away. For the doubt to leave me the hell alone. Because when I’m sure of something, for once, I want it to go right. I want this to be the time that what I felt was better than what was right or expected of me. Why can’t what I feel be right? Even if what I’m doing is a huge mistake for me to be making right now, I am ready for this to end in happily ever after. Don’t we all deserve that?

I cannot walk away. I cannot let go of something like this again. Because what if I don’t get this back? What if I leave and work on myself, by myself. And I turn around and you’re so far away, I am worse off than when I started. 

I am going to stay. And I am going to work on myself. And I am going to work on us. And I am going to keep you, whatever it takes. 

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